svjackle (svjackle) wrote,
svjackle
svjackle

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WARNING DELICIOUS HARRY POTTER SPOILERS AHEAD

Bros 'N Hos,

Well, it's the SVJ back here on the LJ to once again clue you in on the most happening happenings in all things that go POP! in the night!!! That's right, sports fans, yours truly has scored the golden goose egg of the decade two days in advance... HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HOLLOWS!!! Well, to be totally truthful (as is my wont) I snagged this hot potato last week, but I took my sweet ol' time reading it, due to the the busy IN lifestyle y'all know I live!!! What have I got to say, you ask? WOW!!! Ms. Rowling (soon to be Ms. SVJ, if ya catch what I'm whiffing ya way) has really outdone her wrinkly old self this time!!! I'm talking goblins, giants, unicorns, centaurs, dragons, fairies, trolls, elves, ravenclaws, hufflepuffs, scylitherians, griffens, weasleys, dumbledores, dagons, tommyknockers, ents, manbearpigs, creepers, attenboroughs, and many, MANY more all taking off the proverbial gloves and duking it out old school with HE WHO SHALL REMAINED UNNAMED HISSELF!!! I gots to tell ya that I have a RAGING HARDON just remembering the POWER and the GLORY that is the FINAL HOGWARTS SMACKDOWN RAW!!! TMI, I know, I know, but that's why you fine people keep coming back here, isn't it?!??

Now I know what you all are thinking: OMGAH IS HE GONNA SPOIL IT FOR ME OH FUCK I MUST LOOK AWAY BUT I CANT BUT I MUST BUT I CANT OH SHIT OH FUCK OH PLEASE SVJ TAKE ME INTO YOUR MIGHTY BLACK THIGHS AND MISPLACE ME IN YOUR LOVE CAVERNS!!! Well, I've gots to tell ya, I've thought about it and... and I just can't ruin the end of a book that I know so many of you have been waiting for so eagerly for for so many years. I can't ruin it here because I know that your loyalty to this my Beloved LJ would conflict with your love for Sir Harry Potter of Privet Drive and result in a TEAR IN THE SPACE TIME FABRIC CONTINUUM!!! LOLZ, jking, of course, I know you'd choose Potter over me, and I can't blame ya, I'd choose Potter over me too!!! YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST LADIES AND GENTS!!!

So, I'm not gonna spoil it. BUT I AM GONNA PRINT THE LAST CHAPTER IN IT'S ENTIRETY ROFLMFAOZ!!! Sorry, but I can't RESIST this anymore! You must see!!! Some of YOU may have heard that this last CHAPTER takes the form of an EPILOGUE written as a NEWSpaper article set twenty years following THE conclusion of the final BATtle. WELL, that's ONE THIRD THE TRUTH!!! It does take place twenty years after the FINAL HOGWARTS SMACKDOWN RAW, but that's where the official story ends and the SVJ STAMPED VERSION OF APPROVAL BEGINS. I'm warning you now, THIS IS SOME WEIRD, OUT-THERE, AVANT GARDE, shit Rowling SPITS at the end, involving a stream of consciousness narrative by HARRY himself twenty years down the line, but I gots to tell ya, I LOVE IT TO FUCKING DEATH. So here you have it, the final CHAPTER of the MAGNIFICENT, MAGNANIMOUS, MELLIFLUOUS, MANIPULATIVE, MANDIBULAR, MASTICLUATORY, MAJESTIC... MARRY MOTTER MAND ME MEATHLY MOLLOWS!!!!


Spoilers Abound, Sailors Take Warn...









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SPOILERS LOOK OUT SEIROUSLY...



















<< I was asleep when our plane hit the runway, but the jolt brought me instantly awake. I looked out the window and saw the Rocky Mountains. What the fuck was I doing here? I wondered. It made no sense at all. I decided to all my attorney as soon as possible. Have him wire me some money to buy a huge albino Doberman. Denver is a national clearing house for stolen Dobermans; they come from all parts of the country.
Since I was already here, I thought I might as well pick up a vicious dog. But first, something for my nerves. Immediately after the plane landed I rushed up the corridor to the airport drugstore and asked the clerk for a box of amyls.
She began to fidget and shake her head. "Oh, no," she said finally. "I can't sell those things except by prescription."
"I know," I said. "But you see, I'm a doctor. I don't need a prescription."
She was still fidgeting. "Well... you'll have to show me some I.D.," she moaned.
"Of course." I jerked out my wallet and let her see the police badge while I flipped through the deck until I located my Ecclesiastical Discount Card- which identifies me as a Doctor of Divinity, a certified Minister of the Church of the New Truth.
She inspected it carefully, then handed it back. I sensed a new respect in her manner. Her eyes grew warm. She seemed to wat to touch me. "I hope you'll forgive me, Doctor," she said with a fine smile. "But I had to ask. We get some real freaks in this place. All kinds of dangerous addicts. You'd never believe it."
"Don't worry," I said. "I understand perfectly. But I have a bad heart and I hope-"
"Certainly!" she exclaimed- and within seconds she was back with a dozen amyls. I paid without quibbling about the ecclesiastical discount. Then I opened the box and cracked one under my nose immediately, while she watched.
"Just be thankful your heart is young and strong," I said. "If I were you I would never... ah... holy shit!... what? Yes, you'll have to excuse me now; I feel it coming on." I turned away and reeled off in the general direction of the bar.
"God's mercy on you swine!" I shouted at two Marines coming out of the men's room. They looked at me, but said nothing. By this time I was laughing crazily. But it made no difference. I was just another fucked-up cleric with a bad heart. Shit, they'll love me down at the Brown Palace. I took another big hit off the amyl, and by the time I got to the bar my heart was full of joy. I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger... a Man on the Move, and just sick enough to be totaly confident. >>


THE END


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Well, folks, there ya have it!!! Thanks JK for all the years of fear and loathing!!! RIPZ YA SPOILED BRAT!!!



"... Love ...
... Comes out of...
... Nowhere ...
... Soon returns ...
... To nowhere ...
... So....
... cherish it...
... while you can ..."

-A Great Man
Tags: biatch, black power, black thighs, harry potter, haters, jk rowling, sam brams, spoilers, svj
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